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SO WHO’S A COMPUTER GENIUS

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BY BIKRAM VOHRA

I am no genius when it comes to computers and the Net per se. Currently my little machine which is actually a glorified typewriter plus FB for my column and not much else has been invaded by little gremlins which I believe are called viruses. I don’t know where they came from but what happens is that every time I open Firefox I get dozens of ads asking me if I want to go to Canada, join some academy guaranteed to make my educational life a romp in the park or a promise of a great holiday starting at 999 whatever to Penang. I have nothing against Penang but I do not want to go there.

Everyone who is an expert tells me I have a virus (my computer, anyway) and then I am given dollops of advice. Also, when I type each letter takes its time to come on the page, there is a pause and then five or six words strip in at full speed.

I am tired of people telling me my Ram is slow or my bytes are not sharp enough and I should buy another computer. You don’t have enough memory. I do. I can remember where I was first Monday in October, can you? Then they say, with great wisdom that I should download all the material on my machine to a hard disk and clean it up and then reload it which will make the ads disappear.

Why can’t it simply work like everyone else’s is what I want to know.

My other peeve is this stuff you keep being told about LIVE streaming. It is a gyp. It does not work. The moment you find the site that promises you this instant viewing of soccer or hockey they tell you this is not going to work because you haven’t got a flash player. Then it says ‘download now’ in five different places. Then they want you to subscribe. Then there are three easy steps or seventeen easy steps and let me tell you there is no such thing as an easy step and then there is something called a browser and settings can make your head spin and now and then you get this intimidating grey site that says this site is banned and you can almost hear the sirens and how will you ever explain that you have no idea what you did for the sign to come up and will somebody please take pity on folks like me and come up with a one button solution. Then, then, then…

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