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LOVE AND THE IPHONE 6

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YEA YEA YEA,IT HAS GROWN FROM 4.7 INCHES TO 5.5 INCHES LIFE IS A CABARET, OLD CHUM…writes Bikram Vohra

I came home last night and my wife said, tell me, do you love me.

I said, you have to ask after 35 years.

She said, no, tell me the truth, do you really love me?

Yes. I said, I do.

Then get me the iPhone 6 with stretched screen, it’s the coolest phone ever.

Seeing as how we have been through the Blackberry, the Samsung, the primitive iPhone, the modern iPhone and now this, when will it end?

I am iBroke, I said, no phaloos, no bread, no dosh, no money, no cry. I am iSorry, I am iDevastated, I am saying I-No.

There was no laughter.

See, she said, this is the difference, there are wives out there whose husbands have already booked the phone and here I am with this rotten little, oldy mouldy IP5.

Old mouldy, we got it only five months ago.

But it doesn’t have a stretched screen and a wide angle iSight lens and an 8 MP rear camera.

How can one go through life without a rear camera in your phone, it is like being castaway on a deserted island. Of course, the Slo Mo video mode makes it irresistible.

And it doesn’t stop here. They have placed a new sensor in this phone which allows 81% more light. How can you go through life without 81% light? For years we have yearned for 81% light always being left in the dark.

Why didn’t they just do 100% and get it over with. Now we can inch along to 82, 83, 84, the iPhone 7 with 85%, there is a whole vista after there will be the 100PLUS, hahaha.

Sometimes you wonder: are you the idiot or are these manufacturers? And you come to the conclusion that there is one born every minute. I-Us.

What is with us that we need to update constantly and get lacerated on the cutting edge of technology. My question is simple: is this the cutting edge or is it suckerism masquerading as consumerism.

When does the hurtle stop? How many features do you need? You are not saving the world? You are invading privacy is all. Does it really matter if your backlight is 79%, will you collapse in a trembling heap, lose all your friends, will your self-esteem wriggle in the dust like a worm.

Is it such a big deal? Must be. A local paper has it as its marked out lead about the same treatment as the Martians have landed would receive.

For a phone? For getting a call from your bank telling you your credit card payment is due. It’s not Obama calling, it is a call centre in Mumbai.

And yet, come Sept 19, people will line up in droves, throwing away their current electronic lifeline for the iPhone 6 and the 6 PLUS which is a ‘phablet’ like almost the level of the mini iPad but smaller.

I still use the old Kindle with no light, a Blackberry that has been  scarred in many battles and does nothing but make and receive calls and has never enjoyed connectivity, a 99 dirham Nokia as my back up, an iPad that could be one of the first ever made and a laptop that runs on Windows 98.

I am perfectly happy.

Go on, run to your shops and spend your money then spend more hours learning how to use the stuff after which you can call the grocery store and order a bottle of milk, some eggs and a kilo of onions. Hooray.